I rented an apartment for my two week liaison with Kat. Every local that found out where I lived, informed me it was the shittiest place I could have chosen. To me, it was a cozy studio in your average suburban neighborhood from Anywhere, USA. The girl I rented from, was a bubbly adventuress, who was really into Harry Potter. She had written "Ministry of Magic" on the underside of her toilet lid. When I arrived, she offered me ice cream, showed me how the appliances worked, the wifi password, and bounded off for a two week vacation of her own. I took my first private shit in 2 months and passed out.
I woke up at 3:50am. I chugged a glass of water and laid back down. I was feeling a little warm, so I went outside in my PJ shorts and t-shirt to cool down. I brought my phone to browse reddit while I lay in the grass. A few minutes later, I was chilly and headed back upstairs. As I turned the key, I heard a metallic pop, but the door was still locked. I looked down at my hand, already knowing the reason. The key had broken. Fuck me.
The key shaft was round, and it was only the handle that had broken off. I tried squeezing the key hard enough to turn, no luck. I tried wrapping my t-shirt around it, too slippery. I tried using the key ring and t-shirt combined, still fucked. I roamed the halls looking for anything that might help me get enough friction on the key to turn it. There were a few scraps of paper, otherwise, nothing.
I opened Google Translate and typed in a phrase asking for a pair of pliers. I pulled up a picture of pliers. I sat in the stairwell, near the entrance, and tried asking for help from anyone that walked in or out. Since it was about 4am, there was nobody. I went back to the apartment door around 5am, to catch the wifi signal and message the girl I was renting from. I explained the situation and asked if she had a spare key with anyone. I figured she wouldn't be answering for awhile, so I resumed my vigilant watch on the front door. From 5am-7am, there were two people. Both of them looked at me like I was insane, or trying to break into an apartment. I decided to try my luck out on the street.
The few shops that were open and close by didn't much feel like helping. It was the first time since I started traveling, that I felt isolated and helpless. I couldn't speak the language, I didn't have any money on me, and I looked very out of place in my pajamas. I went back to the apartment door for wifi, to lament my predicament to my friends on Messenger. I sat on the floor, leaned against the door, and thought about my options. I wasn't going to get anywhere following the rules of polite society, because those rules require money. I was going to have to break the law, in a foreign country, and get away with it while looking conspicuous as fuck.
I decided on stealing a pair of pliers from a big box hardware store. It seemed like the lowest risk scenario. The closest one didn't open until 9am, and was two miles away. I stayed at the door, hoping to be rescued by a message from the owner of the apartment until 8am. Then, I walked. Imagine a tall motherfucker, looking haggard, wearing bright red basketball shorts that fall well above the knee. He's wearing a grey t-shirt with an image of Jesus riding a T-Rex, and blue flip-flops. On a brisk morning, when everyone else is wearing jeans and jackets, I looked odd.
I got to the store at 9:10am. I found the pliers, then realized the only place I had to hide anything was my underwear. I walked around until I found a center aisle display to hide behind and tucked my tool against my tool. Rough, toothed steel doesn't feel so great against sensitive skin. I adjusted until it looked like I had an erection instead of stolen merchandise, then walked out confidently. The guy at the checkout looked me over, but I think he decided I couldn't possibly be hiding anything with so little clothing on. I walked three blocks until extricating the penile torture device from its home. I looked over my shoulder, nobody, I was free.
My pace on the way home was quicker, my mood brighter. I got back, the pliers worked, I felt emotion well in my throat when I heard the pop. I opened my phone to find a message from the host. Her friend had spare keys and was available right now, only a 10 minute walk away. The booming laughter of cosmic frustration escaped my body as I held my face in my hands.